Lords and Ladies

The Librarian looked out at the jolting scenery. He was sulking. This had a lot to do with the new bright collar around his neck with the word "PONGO" on it. Someone was going to suffer for this.

-- The Librarian travels incognito (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

"Oook!"

"Oook?"

"Kneel and deliver!"

-- Casanunda, the worlds smallest lover turns highwaydwarf (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

I MUST SAY THESE ARE VERY GOOD BISCUITS. HOW DO THEY GET THE BITS OF CHOCOLATE IN?

-- Death has a snack (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

Nanny Ogg never did any housework herself, but she was the cause of housework in other people.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

Verence would rather cut his own leg off than put a witch in prison, since it'd save trouble in the long run and probably be less painful.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

I LIKE TO THINK I AM A PICKER-UP OF UNCONSIDERED TRIFLES. Death grinned hopefully.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

Mustrum Ridcully did a lot for rare species. For one thing, he kept them rare.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

Using a metaphor in front of a man as unimaginative as Ridcully was like a red flag to a bu-- was like putting something very annoying in front of someone who was annoyed by it.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

The thing about iron is that you generally don't have to think fast in dealing with it.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

Nanny Ogg looked under her bed in case there was a man there. Well, you never knew your luck.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

The chieftain had been turned into a pumpkin although, in accordance with the rules of universal humour, he still had his hat on.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

For Magrat, stepping into a man's bedroom was like an explorer stepping on to that part of the map marked Here Be Dragons.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

"I wants your body, Mrs Ogg."

-- Casanunda makes his move (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

"I know she's in there," said Verence, holding his crown in his hands in the famous Ai-Senor-Mexican-Bandits-Have-Raided-Our-Village position.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.

-- Schrodinger's Moggy explained (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

"Serve 'em right for not inviting me to their weddings."

-- Ridcully contemplates the Trousers of Time (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

"Hah, I can just see a real playsmith putting donkeys in a play!"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, especially simian ones. They are not all that subtle."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

"Go ahead, bake my quiche"

-- Magrat instructs the castle cook (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

Remember, A Dragon is For Life, Not Just for Hogswatchnight

-- Motto of The Sunshine Home for Sick Dragons in Morphic Street, Please Leave Donations of Coal by Side Door. (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

There have, in the course of decadent history, been many large wigs, often with build-in gewgaws to stop people having to look at boring hair all the time. There had been ones big enough to contain pet mice or clockwork ornaments. Mme Cupidor, mistress of Mad King Soup II, had one with a bird cage in it, but on special state occasions wore one containing a perpetual calendar, a floral clock and a take-away linguini shop.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

The place looked as though it had been visited by Gengiz Cohen [footnote: hence the term "wholesale destruction"].

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

"This is a lovely party," said the Bursar to a chair, "I wish I was here."

-- The Bursar is a man under a lot of stress (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

No matter what she did with her hair it took about three minutes for it to tangle itself up again, like a garden hosepipe in a shed [Which, no matter how carefully coiled, will always uncoil overnight and tie the lawnmower to the bicycles].

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

He married that Palliard girl, remember? The one with the air-cooled teeth?

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

And the child had a permanently runny nose and ought to be provided with a handkerchief or, failing that, a cork.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

It was here that the thaum, hitherto believed to be the smallest possible particle of magic, was succesfully demonstrated to be made up of /resons/ (Lit.: 'Thing-ies') or reality fragments. Currently research indicates that each reson is itself made up of a combination of at least five 'flavours', known as 'up', 'down', 'sideways', 'sex appeal' and 'peppermint'.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

A heap of discarded garments by the bed suggested that Verence had mastered the art of hanging up clothes as practised by half the population of the world, and that he had equally had difficulty with the complex topological manoeuvres necessary to turn the socks the right way out.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

Chain-mail isn't much defence against an arrow. It certainly isn't when the arrow is being aimed between your eyes.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

It's not enough to be able to pick up a sword. You have to know which end to poke into the enemy.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

The Monks of Cool, whose tiny and exclusive monastery is hidden in a really cool and laid-back valley in the lower Ramtops, have a passing-out test for a novice. He is taken into a room full of all types of clothing and asked: Yo, my son, which of these is the most stylish thing to wear? And the correct answer is: Hey, whatever I select.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)