The Buffygoons

On February 28th, MegaMole wrote a post apparently chastising the good people of AFP for not having thought of doing a Buffy/Goons crossover yet, and urging people to remedy this.

From: MegaMole
Subject: [I] Buffy/Goons

Date: 2003-02-28

Right. I've had it with you people ;-)

To take something as outstanding as this concept and not run with it... come on, is anyone willing? Sadly, my knowledge of the Goons is sketchy at best, but I'm sure the likes of Julie and Aq could come up with *something*... I'm willing to help; it's just that something with such tremendous potential *needs* to be developed properly. A truly funny post, nay thread, could be the result.

But let's think about it for a bit first.

In fact, the remedy was already on its way, which is hinted at in MegaMole's next post, about an hour later.

From: MegaMole

Sorry to follow up to my own post, but apparently Matters are now in Hand. Nothing to see here, please move along...

This being AFP of course no one moved along

From: Torak

I'm moving along and I RESIGN!

From: BRIERLEYJON
Date: 2003-03-01

Oh. Pity. I'd actually started doing Buffy a la Goons, but immediately ran into the problem that all bar one of the Goons characters are male, and most of the Slayerettes are female. I may be forced to speak to Mr. Whedon.

From: The Stainless Steel Cat

Heh! Minnie the Vampire Slayer.

Minnie Bannister:
I'm the Slayer. I slay vampires. I slay lots of other thlings as well. It's my flalse tleeth. They don't flit very well.

Henry Crun:
Mnnh. I'm the Watcher.

Little Jim:
Stop watching me, naughty man.

Henry:
Oooh Min, we've run out of stakes. You can't get the wood you know.

Gryptite-Thynn:
Hellooo! I'm the brooding vampire with a soul.

Moriarty:
I'm the sole. Ouch! You keep standing on me.

Bluebottle:
And I ham Xander, funny-hero-type hero.

Eccles:
Hello folks! I'm Willow.

Bluebottle:
But Willow's a girly-type girl.

Eccles:
Ooh? <rustle rustle clunk> Oooooohhhh! Fine, fine, fine.

(But where's Neddy Seagoon?)

Seagoon:
I'm here! Pfft! I'm the Hellmouth! "We'll keep a welcome eeen the hillside..."

Seeing that, BRIERLEYJON was amazed that in his aborted efort he'd had almost exactly the same character matches, and decided to post the stuff he wrote before giving up. After some encouragement, specifically from CCA, he decided to finish and post "The Buffygoons".

From: BRIERLEYJON
Subject: The Buffygoons completed

After encouragement (and more BEER) I give you the full unabridged completed version, in its own thread so you don't get the previous version again. (Clears throat).

The Buffygoons

Greenslade:
Ladies and gentlemen, we present episode B4 of the highly esteemed Buffy Show! Let me paint the scene for you; Sunnydale, in the year 2003.

Giles:
Hold hard there a minute Wal. Shouldn't we tell the folks what happened before?

Greenslade:
Before what?

Giles:
Before B4.

Greenslade:
Much more of that sort of chat and I shall be forced to speak to Mr. Whedon.

Giles:
My dear fellow, everybody has to be forced to speak to Mr. Whedon. Enough! On with the show. Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you heard this sound -

FX: thwack

Spike:
I say, that hurt, you know. Bloody stakes.

Giles:
And how rare are they? Hahaha. Stakes .. bloody... rare... Ahem. That sound featured James Marsters and his almost English accent, in which you heard him say -

Spike:
The Case of the Strangled Nurk.

Giles:
Yes, the Case of the Strangled Nurk. A case so horrifying even the late night repeat got cut. One night in Sunnydale - and this is where the story really starts - a strange thing occurred. Set the scene type thing, Wal.

Greenslade:
With pleasure, sir. Picture if you will a graveyard in a small Californian town. As the mist creeps around the headstones, a figure is seen creeping silently through the undergrowth, a figure as silent as the leopard stalking its prey - the figure of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

FX: loud crash, falling rocks, bottles, cans etc.

Buffy:
Who left that there. I can't slay while all this noise is going on, it's too much I tell you .....

Angel:
Mnk, calm down Buff, you've been overdoing the supplements again, you naughty modern slayer type woman, you.

Buffy:
Ooooooh, Angel, I can feel my special slayer powers waning, man, I need a boost quick!

Angel:
Oh, ah, mnk, you sinful slayer you, you know we only use the special appliances at full moon!

Buffy:
Angel. .....

Angel:
Mm, yes, Buff?

Buffy:
Have you got hold of my hand?

Angel:
No, Buff, I haven't got hold of any of you. I'm only just holding my own.

Buffy:
In that case there's a demon gripping my digits.

Angel:
How do you know it's a demon, Buffy?

Buffy:
Who else but a demon would be in a graveyard at midnight?

Angel:
Cherie Blair.

Buffy:
Apart from the obvious ones. Anyway, it's all cold and clammy, Angel, all dead, like a creature without any life or brain of its own!

Willow:
Hellooo dere.

Buffy:
Willow? Is that you? What are you doing here?

Willow:
Everybody's gotta be somewhere ...

Buffy:
And why are you talking in that strange voice?

Willow:
Cos dere ain't enough parts for men in dis show, dat's why .... Here, what you doin' hangin' around der graveyard at dis time of night?

Buffy:
We're waiting to surprise a vampire, and chop his head off.

Willow:
Chop his head off? Why don't you just stake him?

Angel:
You can't get the wood, you know ...

Buffy:
Willow, I need a volunteer for a mission that needs courage, initiative and brains.

Willow:
Dat lets me out, den ...

Buffy:
There's money in it.

FX: whoosh

Giles:
Did I hear someone recite the ancient Babylonian wealth spell known as moneyyyy? Allow me to present my credentials. Rupert 'The Ripper' Giles, jobs done, will travel, has own truss and coffee. What does the job pay?

Buffy:
Three dollars and forty-nine cents, and all the garlic you can eat. All you have to do is get a coffin out of a grave.

Giles:
Get a coffin out of a grave? Why, that's money for old rope.

Buffy:
What do you need old rope for?

Giles:
I have simple tastes. I'll take the job.

Buffy:
Excellent. Would you care for a grimoire?

Giles:
No thanks, I prefer incunabula .. they're milder. Now, where's this coffin?

Buffy:
Over there in that grave... the one marked 'Dangerous Vampire, Do Not Move'

Giles:
Curses, I've been sponned! What I need now is a simpleton who will believe anything he's told.

Xander:
Did you call, my capitain? Enter Alexander Harris, nobbly knees shining in the moonlight, waits for applause, not a sausage. Thinks; I shall never get my own spin-off series at this rate.

Giles:
Xander! Dear lad, dear little loony lad, would you like a half share in a copy of the Owners Manual for the Enterprise-D?

Xander:
Yes, my capting! That will impress that flaky demon woman I've been trying to chat up down the Bronze. They say she'll show it all for five bucks - thinks - wonder what she'd do for ten?

Giles:
Very well. To earn your reward, all you have to do is move that coffin from out of that grave.

Xander:
Here, it says on the gravestone, 'Dangerous Vampire, Do Not Move'.

Giles:
Haha. Take no notice of that, lad, it means nothing, nothing I tell you.. Just dig it up, and the reward shall be yours.

Xander:
Very well, for the honour of the East Sunnydale Babylon 5 Society, I will do it.

FX: digging noises.

Xander:
Here, this digging lark ain't half hard work. I need an idiot to do all the heavy lifting..

Willow:
(singing) Ding-dong, der witch is Fred ...

Xander:
Here, Willow, would you like to play a game?

Willow:
I'm already playing a game.

Xander:
Ooh. What game is that, Willow my friend?

Willow:
It's called 'standing on one leg'. See, I've got der right leg in de air. And now I've got der left leg in de air.

Xander:
Willow?

Willow:
Yup?

Xander:
Shouldn't you have put the right leg down before you put the left leg up?

Willow:
Oooooooooooh .....

FX: crash bang wallop as before

Green(Little Jim:)
He's fallen in der grave!

Xander:
Now you're down 'ere, Willow, you can give me a hand with this bloomin' great coffin.

Willow:
OK, fine, fine.

Xander/Willow:
grunting and heaving noises

Spike:
(muffled) Do you require any assistance, at all?

Xander:
Yes, if you get hold of that end, and then ... here, Willow.

Willow:
Yup?

Xander:
How many people are there in this grave?

Willow:
Well, dere's you, and me, and er, dat makes ... er ...

Xander:
Cos if it's just you and me in here, who said that?

Spike:
(muffled) I did, you silly twisted boy.

Xander:
Eheu. Where are you, strange disembodied voice type thing?

Spike:
(muffled) I'm in the coffin, of course.

Xander:
Why are you in the coffin, please, mister man?

Spike:
(muffled) Why shouldn't I be? It is mine after all. I am a vampire, you know.

FX: sound of coffin being dropped and lid breaking open

Spike:
Ah, that's better. Allow me to introduce myself; I am a vampire of enormous power and terror ...

Xander/Willow:
wail in terror

Spike:
... a master of darkness, a drinker of blood and a creature of the night.

Xander/Willow:
wail in terror again

Spike:
But you can call me Spike. And this ragged blood-stained mess ...

Moriarty:
gibbers unintelligibly

Spike:
Is Count Sapristi Knuckoes Moriarty.

Xander:
(in abject fear) Is he a vampire too?

Spike:
Good hellmouth, no. He's my lunch.

Xander:
I do not like this game! Do not bite me, Mr. Vampire, I taste of aniseed and liqorice, and you would get the indigestables, and I do not want to be undeaded!

Spike:
Foolish child! Give me one good reason why I should not bite your puny neck this very minute!

Xander:
Well, I ain't washed it for weeks ... no, if you do not give me the bitules, I will tell you how Season Seven ends! Thinks: there's no room for spoiler space in this grave.

Spike:
Tell me, you miserable wretch, and it may serve to save what passes for your life!

Xander:
Here, who are you calling a wench, you dirty blood-sucker, you. I am a hero and a fully paid up Scooby, I am ... gives special anti-vampire glare to stab him with my mighty eyes, stab stab stab stab stabee ... here, your face hasn't half gone all funny ....

Willow:
Er, I think you'd better tell him, Xander

Xander:
Very well, I will make with the gen. At the end of Season Seven, right ...

Spike/Willow::
Yes yes yes yes yes?

Xander:
... there is a great big wicked Thing what will destroy the whole world, everybody deaded, unless it is stopped.

Spike:
And?

Xander:
And Buffy stops it, and the world is saved, hooray.

Spike:
Is that it? (suspicious) How do you know all this?

Xander:
Because it is what happens at the end of every series.

Greenslade:
And after that of course, Spike was left with no option but to bite them both, so they were dead, The End.. You have been listening to ...

Giles:
Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat? But, Wal, what happened to everybody else? And what about the Strangled Nurk?

Greenslade:
Well, while Xander and Willow were with Spike in the grave Buffy and Angel were on the other side of Sunnydale saving Buffy's sister from a demon or three.

Giles:
I didn't know Buffy had a sister!

Greenslade:
Neither did she .... It's all very confusing, really.

Giles:
And the Strangled Nurk?

Greenslade:
Ah. I'm glad you asked me about that.

Giles:
choking noises, culminating a death rattle.

Greenslade:
(stiltedly) Bwa ha ha, bwa ha ha, I am an evil transdimensional demon, who can possibly stop me taking over the world?

Grams:
theme tune, down under,

Greenslade:
You have been listening to The Buffy Show, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as Minnie Bannister, David Boreanaz as Henry Crun, Anthony Stewart Head as Neddie Seagoon, Alyson Hannigan as Eccles, Nicholas Brendon as Bluebottle, James Marsters as Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, and myself, Emma Caulfield as Wallace Greenslade. Good night, and watch out for the bunnies.

Grams:
theme tune up, playout.

After which followed much more praise. There followed also a message by Joy Green which revealed that, as MegaMole had said, matters had indeed been in hand, but BRIERLEYJOHN had managed to be fast enough to post his version first - not knowing there was another coming up.

From: Joy Green
Subject: Buffygoons MkII [I]

Date: 2003-03-04

Since MegaMole, Adrian Ogden and myself were already well at work on this piece when BRIERLEYJOHN's masterwork was posted, and since it is in a way almost diametrically opposed in approach from said masterwork, being the Goons in the Buffyverse, rather than Buffy in the Gooniverse; the team of Mole, Ogden and Green present for your perusal a complementary buffygoons entitled:

ONCE MORE, CONGEALING

SCENE The Magic Box. Giles, Xander and Anya wandering round. Anya counting money, humming in delight. Xander gazing lustfully at her, Giles sipping tea with his nose buried in a book. Giles looks up.

Giles:
This is the BBC Light Programme. Now here is a variation on that. This is THE BBC Light Programme.

Xander:
Great accent Giles, but isn't it Fox TV over here?

Giles:
What? Oh ... yes... quite. Can't think what came over me. Sorry.

The camera pulls back to reveal Wallace Greenslade, to whose presence the others appear entirely oblivious.

Greenslade:
Yes, dear listeners, by the miracle of the horse-drawn rubber television, we present another wondrous tale of the supernatural, the paranormal and the subprobable. This week:

FANFARE:

ONCE MORE, CONGEALING!

CUT TO: Credits

CUT TO: Sunnydale cemetery

Greenslade:
We find ourselves outside a quiet graveyard in peaceful Sunnydale, somewhere on the American continent of America. Leaning against an ivy covered headstone is Spike, AKA Willmia the Bloody, vampire, leather fetishist, and victim of a particularly cruel typographical error, unrequited slayer-lust a speciality.

Spike:
I told you not to tell them about the typo, you little sod.

Greenslade:
Ooops.

Spike's forehead comes over all vampy, and he stalks toward Greenslade. Unaware of the chip in Spike's brain Greenslade yelps and runs in terror out of shot. Spike morphs back with a gesture and sound of disgust. He stalks moodily past the gravestones, when suddenly in the air just above and behind his head a large round something appears, spinning like a Frisbee. It lands on Spike's perfectly peroxided hair with a sickening <<splat>>. Globs of co-mingled flour, egg and milk drip down to land on the shoulders of his coat. He stops and scrapes as much of the mess away as he can, flicking it off his fingertips with disdain.

Spike:
Oh, bloody great. I thought I'd seen the last of THAT bugger in '53. If he's back again, it's goin' to take some serious chantin' to shift 'im. Hope that carrot-topped little witch is up to it.

He swivels and makes tracks towards the Magic Box.

CUT TO an alley. Light from an open door outlines Moriarty and Gryptype-Thynne. They are shaking hands with Ray Ellington.

Grytpype:
Thank you Mr Ellington. You can never have too much pudding protection insurance you know.

The door closes and the alley is plunged into darkness.

Grytpype and Moriarty:
[singing] April in Paris, we've found a Charlie...

They walk along the alley, coming to a door deep in shadow. There is a sign on the door, written in mystic runes.

Moriarty:
Grytpype, there is an ominous rune-marked door lurking in the ominous shadows of this dark alley in an ominous manner.

Grytpype:
Right, Moriarty. Grab the markings and rune.

Moriarty:
Sapristi Muchos! I don't like the expression on this door's sign. I wonder what's behind it.

Grytpype:
Just a moment.

Fx: knocks. Hatchway sliding back

Grytpype:
Hello?

Distorted Voice:
I'll tell you what's behind the door. It is I. Horror personified, in the person of an evil, blood-sucking vampire. It is the galloping mares of your worst nights, and the trotting knights of your mare's worst. It is the gateway to needle-nardle-noo.

Grytpype:
Oh! Do you play the saxophone?

Voice:
Only occasionally. It usually wins.

Fx: hatchway shuts

Grytpype:
Mmm! Moriarty...?

Moriarty:
Yes

Grytpype:
Open this door.

Moriarty hurls himself at the door, with a cry of "Sapristi Carramba!" The door splinters, and Moriarty and Gryptype fall through.

Sounds, muffled from within:

Grytpype:
Aaaaargh!

Moriarty:
You dare! And me a Frenchman!

Grytpype:
Needle

Moriarty:
Nardle

Both:
Nooooooooooooooo! Ack-ack-ack... (Sound breaks off in horrific choking)

Voice:
Ohhhhhh, that's better!

A figure shrouded in a dark, distressed riding coat and wearing a peaked cap walks through the door, disappearing down the alley.

Cut to exterior of Summers house. NEDDIE SEAGOON is there, seeming to hammer on the door, but his hand not making contact.

Greenslade:
Meanwhile, in a pleasant suburb of the prettiest Hellmouth in California...

Seagoon:
Knock-knock-knock on a door in Sunnydale

Buffy:
Knock-knock-knock on a door in Sunnydale? That's the address of my door. Come in.

Buffy:
pauses, and she and DAWN look at each other in bemusement, as Neddie bursts through the door.

Neddie:
May I introduce myself?

Buffy:
Can I stop you?

Neddie:
Only with a cork! Haha! Ahahahaaaa! Ah...herrrm(coughs). Ladies an Gennulmun, introducing little Neddie Seagoon, righter of lefts, slighter of songs, tightener of thongs and freelance demon-hunter. Nac-mac-Feegle, pixies and performing fleas half-price. I seek one ";Slayer";.

Buffy:
That's me.

Neddie:
Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat? Where's your horse? I hear no bells!

Dawn:
That's VAMPIRE slayer, you goon. Not one-horse-open-sleigher.

MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA WITH NERF HERDER - 12 BARS OF JINGLE BELLS

Neddie:
(aside) The girl recognises me! Splin!

Buffy:
So, you were looking for me?

Tara and Willow appear at the top of the stairs, giggling and making puppy-eyes at each other.

Neddie:
Hnnnnn. I come to warn you about the Major.

Omnes:
The Major?

Neddie:
He used to be a Minor, but that was when he kept his activities underground.

Buffy:
What's that got to do with me? If it's all buried in the past...

Neddie:
butbutbut...

Dawn:
Broken record much?

Buffy:
Is he dangerous?

Neddie:
Dangerous? He's dastardly! He's a leech, sucking the life from his victims a little at the time while they gibber helplessly, unable to fight back.

Buffy:
Oh. He's with the IRS. Right.

Neddie:
butbutbut...

Willow:
Stop that. Buffy, this guy's incoherent... or possibly Asian. We'd better take him to Giles. He might know more.

Buffy:
Good call.

Neddie:
Ripper Giles?

Tara:
You know him?

Neddie:
Does he play the saxophone?

Willow:
Only in the mating season.

Neddie:
Perhaps.

The Scoobies grab their coats, and begin to get armed. Buffy holds out a stake to Neddie.

Neddie:
No thank you, I'm trying to give them up. I only smoke trellis these days.

Buffy shrugs.

Buffy:
Dawn, you stay here. Lock the doors, and don't let anyone except us in.

Dawn:
But... but...

Buffy:
Don't you start.

Exeunt Omnes but Dawn, who flounces upstairs.

CUT TO: Montage. A bedraggled Spike approaches the magic box from the east, while the Scoobies and Neddie head in from the North. The becloaked figure sneaks up behind Neddie who is struggling to keep up with the Scoobies, and grabs him. We see him jerk, the cloaked figure melts away, and Neddie runs to catch up with the Scoobies. They turn the corner onto the street which Houses the Magic Box as Spike reaches the shop door. Montage fades to Spike entering.

Shop bell rings. Giles, Anya and Xander turn.

Spike:
Watcher. We've got a problem.

Giles: (looking at Spike coldly, and raising an eyebrow)
You appear to be covered in something.

Xander:
Ooooo! Did Spikey make an ickle mess? I thought bat guano was good for the undead complexion.

Spike:
Shut it, moron. Look, Giles. Look at my bloody jacket.

The Scoobies enter.

Buffy:
Giles! This weird little round man came to my house and says he knows you. He doesn't make any kind of sense to me, but he seems worried and he's got a British accent.

She pushes Neddie into the centre of the room.

Giles:
Neddie Seagoon!

Neddie:
No, I'M Neddie Seagoon. You look like Ripper Giles. Do you play the saxophone?

Giles:
Yes, but only on the cello.

Neddie:
Ripper! (He holds his arms out wide. Giles backs away.)

Spike:
I hate to break up this touching reunion an' all, but like I said, we've gotta problem.

Giles: (irritated)
What is it, Spike?

Spike:
You can use your eyes, can't you? Well do, then, and try using your brain as well. I've seen this before, you must've read about it. Cyclical? Every fifty years? Ring any bells, Watcher?

Giles:(giving Spike a long stare)
Great Hecate! 1953! The Phantom Batter Pudding Hurler!

Spike:
Ten out of ten. Finally.

Giles:
And Neddie here, too. This could be serious. Very serious indeed.

Buffy:
Um, Giles, is this some strange BRITISH thing we should know about?

Giles: (embarrassed)
There are things in a nation's past, Buffy ... even Great Britain's ... that it's best not to go into too deeply. I think this is one instance where even Spike and I can agree.

Spike:
I'm sayin' nothin'. Except it involves beef. And gravy.

Xander:
British food? Oh yeah - the one thing that made me think the Hellmouth might not necessarily be in Sunnydale.

Buffy:(looking sick and waving hand)
I've heard quite enough. You say it's serious. What do we have to do?

Neddie:
You don't know the worst. I think the Major's turned up, too.

Giles:
The Major?

Neddie:
He used to be called....

Buffy:(cutting in)
Yeah, okay, we did that already. Roundman seems to be talking about some kind of vamp, Giles.

Giles:
From London? (Neddie nods) Oh dear.

Omnes:
What?

Giles:
Willow, could you go and fetch me the Crun journals, please? They're on the top shelf of the second bookcase. If it's what I fear, we may need to call for help.

Spike:
Oh, C'mon, watcher. The poltergeist can be exorcised with a spell, as long as there's enough power behind it. The redhead's supposed to be some kind of super-wicca, I'm sure she can get it out of our hair. She can always get her little friend here to add some extra oomph if she needs it. A bit of extra poke, know what I mean?

Willow and Tara look daggers at Spike. Well, Willow looks daggers; Tara looks hurt.

Giles:
It isn't quite as simple as that. This conjunction ... Willow, would you read the passage at the top of page twenty-four, please?

Willow: (reading aloud)
"Through evidence collected by my dear wife Minnie and myself at a steady speed of three miles an hour, we have established that the Stepney phenomenon arises from the introduction of mantra-inducing venom into the bloodstream. A chief suspect is a certain London villain, possibly with a military background, who exhibits some unmistakable attributes of vampirism. There is, therefore, absolutely no need to fear an epidemic passing from besmirched persons uncontacted by charm-calling victims..." Hey, this guy's prose style is worse than Unix 101.

Willow passes the journal to Tara. The girls hunch over it, giggling.

Spike:
You mean?

Giles: (solemnly)
Yes.

Others: WHAT?

Spike/Giles: (whispering)
The Dreaded Lurghi.

Giles:
I shall have to call Crun.

Buffy:(To Spike, as Giles is dialling)
What's The Dreaded Lurghi?

Giles:
Henry Crun? HENRY?

Spike:
It's awful, love. A disease. It spreads like wildfire.

Crun: (on phone)
What? Crun? Min! Miiiin! It's Henry Crun, Min.

Buffy:
What does it do? How does it affect people?

Minnie Bannister: (from receiver)
I can see it is, Henry.

Spike:
Dunno. People only ever talk about it in gibbers. They say first symptom is when you start walking backwards. Last time it happened was in Stepney, in December '53.

Crun:
No, Min, I mean it's Henry Crun on the phone!

Willow:
Was it bad?

Spike:
Oh yeah. We'd just better hope Giles' friend can tell us something useful.

Giles:
HENRY?

Bannister:
On the phone?? Ohhhh! What's he doing up there? It's not safe!

Crun:
You're quite right you know, it'll never take the weight. He should be more careful.

Bannister:
He certainly should, yes.

Crun:
Yes. You can't get the...

Giles slams the phone down and cuts him off.

Giles:
Hopeless. Quite hopeless.

Tara:
No, Giles, it's okay. It says here there are some old students of Crun's in Sunnydale. We can call them, they should be able to help.

She picks up the phone and talks quietly into it.

Tara:(on phone)
Hello, are you the former students of Professor Crun?

Lew Cash: (from receiver)
Yeah, that's us. I take you'll be wanting to find out about this 'ere Lurghi lark?

Tara:
Yes, please.

Cash:
Cor, my life, if it ain't one thing it's another.

CUT TO: exterior graveyard.

Hapless Victim No. 2832 walks past. A brief scuffle, and a cry.

The Victim:
YAK-a-booo!

The Major:
Ohhhhhh, that's done me a power of good!

CUT BACK TO the Magic Box. Close-up of a harried Giles. Giles turns to Buffy.

Giles:
Buffy, I think someone had better go and fetch Dawn. There may be Lurghi carriers all over Sunnydale by now. She'd be better off here under our eye.

Buffy:
Right. I'll go now.

Giles:
Not you. As soon as we know what we're facing you may need to get out there and deal with it fast. From what I remember about the Lurghi, it takes hold frighteningly quickly.

Xander:
Anya and I'll go.

Giles:
I don't need to tell you to be careful, Xander.

Willow:
No, wait - there's a passage in here that I need Anya to translate for me.

Spike:
Well, I'd offer, but since I've been puddinged, I'm a potential carrier, if I run into a mantra-babbler. Not a good idea.

Giles:
Right.

Anya:
Why not send the little fat guy? He's not doing any good here.

Xander:
Absolutely! (To Tara) Isn't she GREAT?

Tara nods, smiling.

Giles:
Okay, Neddie. You go back to Buffy's house, collect Dawn and bring her back here

Neddie:
Rrrrrrriiiiiiight!

Giles: (offering him a stake)
Take this.

Neddie:
No thanks, I've just put one out.

Exit Neddie, stage left. Passing Spike, he whispers
"Needle-nardle-nooo"

Spike:
Huh?

He shrugs.

Tara:
The Crun people are on their way. They said they're sending their best pair.

Willow:
Okay, I've flicked through these journals, and it looks like there is a way to prevent this Dreaded Lurghi deal getting out of control.

Tara:
It's complex, though.

Giles:
Go on.

Willow:
Well - the first thing we have to do exorcise the pudding-hurling-poltergeisty guy.

Buffy:
Which we do how?

Willow:
A spell. It takes a lot of power, and it has to be completed without a pause, while we stand as close to the creature as we can get.

Xander:
So how do we find it?

Willow:
That's the easy part. It can travel round the world almost instantly, but after a big jump, it has to rest for twenty four hours, so it can't move more than a few yards from the place it translocated to.

Anya:
The graveyard. Again.

Willow:
Exactly.

Xander:
Just once, I'd like it to be somewhere nice, like the local museum. Even if there are tomes of forbidden lore in the Historic Books section. Always with the graveyard. <sigh>

The Scooby gang look at each other.

Giles:
What then?

Tara:
We have to stake the mantra vamp. He should be somewhere near the puddygeist, to make sure that the sliming and the mantra-ing get combined.

Willow:
And finally, we have to find anyone who's been slimed and mantra'd and immerse them completely in water - but that's where the hitch comes in.

Xander:
Like how?

Willow:
It has to be done before they become infectious - within two hours of showing symptoms.

Spike:
I think you could be lucky. It's a bloody horrible night. Apart from yours truly, there wasn't anyone in sight round the graveyard, so maybe there aren't any carriers.

He stands up, and takes a step towards Buffy - backwards.

Spike:
Bugger.

Xander:
Well, there's our timescale boys and girls.

The shop bell rings. All turn, except Spike, who continues to walk backwards. In walk ECCLES and BLUEBOTTLE.

Bluebottle:
I heard you needed us, my Capitain - I heard that pupils of the Great Crun were needed. Enter Bluebottle - pauses for audience applause - as usual not a sausinge - strikes brave hero ready to save the day pose, but trousers fall down and ruin effect.

Giles:
YOU are the best they had?

Bluebottle:
I is, my Capitain - I and my friend, the famous Eccles here, we is. My name is Bluebottle. I am 14, and I have got boils.

Eccles:
Hello dere.

Bluebottle:
Shutup Eccles.

Eccles:
Shutup Eccles. Idiot Eccles.

Bluebottle:
We will vanquish der villains. Point us at dem and let justice be doned. Dey will fall under the wrath of my trusty Boys' Wonder mag cutout junior sword. (Pulls up trousers - tucks in shirt.) Hehuehuehueu - dat tickles. Show us, my Capitain the deeds of derring you want doing. Damsels in distress...

Buffy:
Dawn!

Giles:
Neddie's dealing with Dawn.

Spike:
We can't trust him, he must've been vamped - when he muttered on the way out .. he mantra'd me.

Giles:
Oh merciful Zeus! We can't spare anyone else - these ... agents will have to do. Tara, show them the way to the house and get back to us at the graveyard as quickly as possible.

Tara:
Okay.

Bluebottle:
What is it dat you want us to do, which it is?

Buffy:
You have to rescue my sister.

Bluebottle:
Is she pretty?

Xander:
Cute, in a fifteen-year-old kinda way. Why?

Bluebottle:
Oooooo, I like dis game! (Aside) Tidies hair, polishes knees, and prepares the temptation of the tempting-type quarter ounce dolly mixtures.

Exeunt Tara, 'bottle, and Eccles.

Giles:
Right, Willow. Do you have the spell?

Willow:
Right here.

Buffy:
We'd better hurry.

Exeunt Omnes.

CUT TO distant view of Summers Place. Tara pointing, 'bottle and Eccles nodding emphatically

Tara:
Are you sure you're well enough armed? He could be dangerous. Perhaps you should take this.

She holds out a stake.

Bluebottle:
Oh, no, no no. They stunt your growth, Auntie Min said. I promised her I would never start.

Tara:
Up to you. I have to get back to the graveyard. I think they're going to need me.

Exit Tara

Bluebottle:
Do you know something? I do not think I like dis game after all. Pretty girlses is all wells and good, But I tell you something: I do not like this dangerous Neddies part. In the Hellmouth facing dangerous Neddies, harm can come to a growing lad.

Eccles:
See here, have you seen any signs of that, of the pudding hurler?

Bluebottle:
No, and I do not want to. I should have stayed at home by the fire with Aunt Min.

Eccles:
Oh, who's Aunt Min?

Bluebottle:
That's my Auntie!

Eccles:
Oh! Oh, what, ah, what do you know? You've got a Auntie?

Bluebottle:
Yes, I have got a Auntie.

Eccles:
Well! I ain't got a Auntie. But I, but I got a new pair of boots!

Bluebottle:
Oh, I have not got a new pair of boots.

Eccles:
Hey, I got some!

Bluebottle:
Have you got a new pair of boots?

Eccles:
Yeah! Yeah, you got some?

Bluebottle:
No, I've got a Auntie.

Eccles:
Oh, you've got a Auntie. I never knew that.

Bluebottle:
It is, it's Aunt Min.

Eccles:
What's - who's that?

Bluebottle:
My Auntie.. What have you got?

Eccles:
I've got a new pair of boots, have you?

Bluebottle:
No, I've got a Auntie. She sent me here. I don't think she likes me very much.

Eccles:
What's her name?

Bluebottle:
Aunt Min.

Eccles:
My new boots don't like me. They have given me blisters, what doesn't like you?

Bluebottle:
My Auntie.

Eccles:
How do you know she doesn't like you?

Bluebottle:
I got it writted down here on dis piece of paper.

They arrive at the Summers' door. It is wide open. From upstairs Dawn screams.

Greenslade:
Just in case some viewers didn't follow that conversation, a brief summary follows. <ahem> Bluebottle's Auntie sent him to Sunnydale, Eccles has new boots which hurt his feet and they are both morons.

Bluebottle:
Miss! Miss! Are you alright Miss?

Dawn:
No!

Bluebottle:
Where are you Miss?

Dawn:
I'm in the bathroom.

'bottle looks at Eccles. Eccles looks at 'bottle.

Bluebottle:
She is in der BATHroom

They both run upstairs.

Bluebottle:
Miss! Miss! I will save you Miss!

'Bottle rushes through the door, where Dawn is fully dressed and is struggling with Neddie, having just run a bath. Neddie releases Dawn as 'bottle hurtles toward him. The two collide, and Neddie falls backwards into the full bath.

Bluebottle/Eccles:
He's fallen in the wa-ter!

Neddie grabs at a cupboard to help him up, and it tumbles onto Bluebottle, crushing him beneath its weight

Bluebottle:
Ooooo, you filthy rotten swine! You have deaded me! I do not want to play dis game any more, I do not like dis game...

He expires.

Neddie:
I'm cured! Quick Eccles, let's get Miss Summers to her sister.

Exeunt Omnes, Neddie sloshing.

CUT TO graveyard, Spike and the Scoobies standing in a circle around Willow, who has a lighted candle in a pentagram in front of her. She looks up at Giles.

Willow:
Do I really have to do this?

Giles:
I'm sorry, Willow, it's the only way.

Enter Tara. She rushes to sit opposite Willow and takes her hands

Tara:
It's okay, Will, I'm here.

Spike:
<twitches> Yak-a-booo!

Willow looks skyward and begins to chant.

Willow:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong

She begins to tremble

Willow: (slowly)
Ying ..... tong

Tara: (urgently as Willow speaks)
She doesn't have enough power. We're all going to have to help!

Giles:
iddle I po,

Willow/Tara:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong

Giles:
iddle I po,

Willow/Tara/Xander/Anya:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong

Giles/Buffy:
Ying tong iddle I po

Omnes
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po
Iddle I po

Spike:
Ying tong ying tong iddle
Ying tong iddle I po!

Willow:
Ying tong ying tong

Tara:
Ying tong ying tong

Giles:
Ying tong iddle I po

Xander: (behind the beat)
Ying tong ying tong

Giles:
Keep up, lad. Up.

Anya:
Ying tong iddle I po

Buffy:
Iddle I po!

(trumpet solo as Neddie, Dawn and Eccles enter)

Spike:
Ying. Ying tongy tongy.
Ying tong iddle I po.
Ying tong iddle I po.
Ying ying ying tongy tongy.
Yeeeng.

Buffy:
Ying tong ying tong d'gy-n'o.
Ying tong d'ga.

Giles:
D'g d'g d'ga.
Ying tong iddle I po.

Neddie:
Hear that crazy rhythm
Driving me insane.
Strike your partner on the bonce.

Eccles:
Ooh. I felt no pain!

[Sound of howling, pudding materialises, hits Buffy full in the face]

Giles:
Ying! Tongy tongy tongy.
Yiddy diddy diddy da daaa. Ying diddy.
Ying tong diddle. Yiddada boo.

Omnes apart from Buffy:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle
Ying tong iddle I po

Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po

Spike: (loudly)
Iddle I PO!

Scream as Hurler dissipates forever.

Buffy:
EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW! Cholesterol!

Xander breaks off a little of the pudding, and eats it.

Xander:
Strange, but disturbingly tasty.

Cloaked figure slides out from behind a gravestone.

Figure:
Hmmm... yes... I always had a soft spot for battered women!

The moonlight catches the tips of gleaming fangs and the badge of the Prince's Own Loyal Indeterminates on an army cap.

Giles:
I know that voice! Major Denis Bloodnok! I thought I did for you in '78!

Bloodnok:
You should never have trusted that plastic stake, Ripper.

Giles: (to the Scoobies)
You couldn't get the wood, y'know.

Buffy: (Pushing back pudding covered hair)
Not a problem, here and now.

Whirling, thudding and grunting, as Buffy kicks Bloodnok all around the graveyard.

Giles:(to Dawn)
What happened to Bluebottle?

Dawn:
Dead.

Giles:
Dead? Oh dear. How can I tell his Auntie?

Eccles:
Bluebottle's gota Auntie?

Omnes:
Shut up, Eccles.

Giles:
Auntie Minnie. I wonder what she'll say.

Min's voice:
Dead! And never called me mother!

Buffy kicks Bloodnok back into centre shot and dusts him.

Buffy:
Well that's two out of three.

Giles:
Which just leaves Spike.

Xander and Anya take hold of Spike's arms

Spike:
No. C'mon. Hang about there, you can trust me to sort meself out, can't you?

They drag him away toward the duckpond, and there is a distant sound of a splash and cursing.

Willow: (To Tara)
Spike's fallen in the water!

Tara giggles and tucks her arm into Willow's.

Buffy:
I am SO going to have to take a shower when I get home. I feel like I'm congealing.

Spike:
Why bother, love? Just come with me and I'll see if I can find you some beef to go with that. Anyway, how do I get these stains off my jacket?

Anya:
ew, GROSS.

Xander:
At least he didn't offer gravy.

Buffy:
SEVERAL showers.

Giles:
God, Buffy. I'm so embarrassed. I don't know what to say.

Bloodnok:Omnes (except Giles):)
iddle-I-PO!

CUT TO Credits.

Max Geldray:
GRRR. ARGH.

To which BRIERLEYJON (Jon) replied:

From: Jon

And as the writers come forward to take a bow, the applause starts, building and building until at last all the audience are standing, applauding, and cheering wildly. All except for one miserable git in the front row, who sits sulking and picking his nose, just because it was better than his version.

The rest of the audience set upon him and hurl him out, and quite right, too.

Jon

(PS - can we get the two versions posted on a website somewhere .... this is all too good to be lost in usenet.)

And there was much praise for both Buffygoon versions, and congratulations to all the authors.

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