If I Only had a Clue

From: Adrian Ogden
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I][FILK] First filk of 2002
Date: 3 Jan 2002 14:43:04 GMT

To the tune of "If I only had a brain" from "The Wizard Of Oz"

I'd spend my time connected
Becoming much respected
By afpers old and new
I'd join in conversation
No need for conflagration
If I only had a clue

I'd skirt around rejection
By pausing for reflection
Before my post is through
The thoughts that I'd be thinkin'
As I watch the cursor blinkin'
If I only had a clue

I say I've been online
Since 1994
Yet all the rfc's
I've managed to ignore
So I just post
And post some more

There's newbies who fit in here
As if they'd always been here
Within a week or two
The regulars forgive 'em
And I'd be right there with 'em
If I only had a clue

I wouldn't be demanding
That afpers of long standing
Do what I tell 'em to
Restrained would be my bragging
Immaculate my tagging
If I only had a clue

I wouldn't get a roasting
for mindlessly top-posting
I'd read the FAQ
No more abusive yelling
Or pointless AOL'ing
If I only had a clue

The way I post is right
And folks should just comply
My virtues I extol
Their standards I decry
They call me troll;
I wonder why

There's nobody I'm fooling
With all my bratty mewling
A change is overdue
They'd welcome me with wibble
And chocolate to nibble
If I only had a clue

Online are files a-sittin'
That helpful folks have written
To show me what to do
And with my high speed modem
I'd rapidly download 'em
If I only had a clue

Opinions ignorant
And attitudes abhorrent
Malicious things untrue
The cussin' and the dissin'
These things would all be missin'
If I only had a clue

Obscenities I'd write
My fury to expend
And then I'd breathe in deep
And count from one to ten
And then delete
And start again

I'd go from heartless toughie
To being warm and fluffy
Abuse I would eschew
The group would be more pleasant
whenever I was present
If I only had a clue

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