From: Afphantom
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: [I] Quorn (was: Re: [I] Cottage cheese (was : Question for English People))
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 22:16:32 +0100



James Whyley wrote in message ...
>"Wenning" wrote ...


>> There are more disgusting foodstuff.
>> Fat from a certain kind of frogs'
>> stomach, fermented all kinds of stuff ...
>> I have to admit that I think there is
>> a special piquancy about the taste of
>> fried fermented tofu.
>
> Tofu is not food, tofu is something evil
> and should be destroyed.


It is not - it could never be - as
evil as QUORN!  That vat-grown Comestible
of Satan that masquerades as a foodstuff
should be eradicated entirely from the face
of the planet!  In fact, I know a song
about that ;-)

To those who have already been inflicted with
the early version of this in private rendition,
my sincerest apologies...

***

(To the tune of "Torn", by Natalie Imbruglia -
verse structure slightly altered for narrative
porpoises!)

I was walking 'round the shops one day
I got hung'ry, needed somethin' to eat
Come what may -
Couldn't find a fast-food stall!
So I walked into this cosy place
Looked around, found a chair,
Prepared to stuff my face;
I scanned the menu in some haste

I couldn't think
What to try;
Ordered steak n' onion pie -
But what's goin' on?
Something's wrong - it's QUORN!

Let me out this place
Feed me somethin' real -
You know that this stuff tastes
Like wood-shavings off the floor.
Illusion never tastes
Like a decent meal
I'm wide awake,
And I can see
This dreadful pie is QUORN
Get it off my plate,
I'm in dread of QUORN...

So I told the waitress "this ain't right!"
She wouldn't hear, didn't care
About my sorry plight -
Voices raised became a fight...

I went too far,
I pushed my luck -
The waitress raised her hand and struck
It made my ears ring;
I slipped and fell in QUORN!

Let me out this place
Feed me somethin' real -
You know that this stuff tastes
Like wood-shavings off the floor.
Illusion never tastes
Like a decent meal
I'm wide awake,
And I can see
This dreadful pie is QUORN
Get it off my plate,
I'm in dread of QUORN...

When I woke my head hurt like hell -
I came around behind the bars
Of a prison cell;
Now I'm not feelin' all that well!

The judge has said
I have to stay
Jailed for Making An Affray
But I won't last long,
Fed on bread and QUORN!

Let me out this place
Feed me somethin' real -
You know that this stuff tastes
Like wood-shavings off the floor.
Illusion never tastes
Like a decent meal
I'm wide awake,
And I can see
This dreadful pie is QUORN
Get it off my plate,
I'm in dread of QUORN...

***

This was a public disservice announcement.

I'll get my shroud.

AfPhantom