Eric

No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpock. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Old Tom was the single cracked bronze bell in the University bell tower. The clapper dropped out shortly after it was cast, but the bell still tolled out some tremendously sonorous silences every hour.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Rincewind had been told that death was just like going into another room. The difference is, when you shout, "Where's my clean socks?", no-one answers.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

It was true about the time measurement as well. The Tezumen had realized long ago that everything was steadily getting worse and, having a terrible little-mindedness, had developed a complex system to keep track of how much worse each succeeding day was.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

"These people were not only cheering, they were throwing flowers and hats. The hats were made of stone, but the thought was there."

-- Life among the primitive Discworld tribes (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

While working his way along a wall he came to a huge door, which artistically portrayed a group of prisoners apparently being given a complete medical check-up [footnote: From a distance it did, anyway. Close to, no].

-- Rincewind visits the Tezumen tribe (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

- "There's a door"
- "Where does it go?"
- "It stays where it is, I think."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

The trouble is that things never get better, they just stay the same, only more so.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

- "So we're surrounded by absolutely nothing. There's a word for it. It's
what you get when there's nothing left and everything's been used up."
- "Yes. I think it's called the bill."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

- "What're quantum mechanics?"
- "I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

The librarian was, ex officio, a member of the college council. No-one had been able to find any rule about orang-utans being barred, although they had surreptiously looked very hard for one.

-- Unseen University politics at work (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

I HOPE WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY OF THIS 'FOUL FIEND' BUSINESS AGAIN.

-- Death gets summoned by the college council (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

There had been some desultory talk about putting up a statue to Rincewind but, by the curious alchemy that tends to apply in these sensitive issues, this quickly became a plaque, then a note on the Roll of Honour, and finally a motion of censure for being improperly dressed.

-- Unseen University politics at work (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was also bright enough to realise that if there was any power in demonology, then it lay with the demons. Using it for your own purposes would be like trying to beat mice to death with a rattlesnake.

-- Why summoning demons is a Bad Idea (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

"You mean mysterious ancient races of Amazonian princesses who subject all male prisoners to strange and exhausting progenitative rites?" said Eric, his glasses beginning to fog.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

The sergeant put on the poker face which has been handed down from NCO to NCO ever since one protoamphibian told another, lower ranking protoamphibian to muster a squad of newts and Take That Beach.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

- "What shall I do?"
- "Well, if you see anything crawl out of the sea and try to breathe,
you could try telling it not to bother."

-- Rincewind and Eric at the Beginning of Time (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

"Multiple exclamation marks," he went on, shaking his head, "are a sure sign of a diseased mind."

-- Something that Terry feels strongly about, because a similar quote also appears in "Reaper Man" (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

The Supreme Life President of Hell wrote: "What business are we in???" He thought for a bit, and then carefully wrote, underneath: "We are in the damnation business!!!"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)