Moving Pictures

The Librarian had seen many weird things in his time, but that had to be the 57th strangest. [footnote: he had a tidy mind]

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Woof bloody woof."

-- Gaspode the Wonder Dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

No-one would have believed, in the final years of the Century of the Fruitbat, that Discworld affairs were being watched keenly and impatiently by intelligences greater than Man's, or at least much nastier; that their affairs were being scrutinised and studied as a man with a three-day appetite might study the All-You-Can-Gobble-For-A-Dollar menu outside Harga's House of Ribs...

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

It was the sort of thing you expected in the Street of Alchemists. The neighbours preferred explosions, which were at least identifiable and soon over. They were better than the smells, which crept up on you.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Meat pies! Hot sausages! Inna bun! So fresh the pig h'an't noticed they're gone!"

-- Genuine pig portion packages (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

The Archchancellor's most important job, as the Bursar saw it, was to sign things, preferably, from the Bursar's point of view, without reading them first.

-- Middle management explained (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

By and large, the only skill the alchemists of Ankh-Morpork had discovered so far was the ability to turn gold into less gold.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

Most alchemists were nervous, in any case; it came from not knowing what the crucible of bubbling stuff they were experimenting with was going to do next.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter."

-- Popcorn comes to the Discworld (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Students?" barked the Archchancellor. "Yes, Master. You know? They're the thinner ones with the pale faces? Because we're a university? They come with the whole thing, like rats --"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street-cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

And then you bit onto them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for bits of an animal that the animal didn't know it had got. Dibbler had worked out that with enough fried onions and mustard people would eat anything.

-- A fact McDonalds knows about as well (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"The thing is that Mr. Dibbler can even sell sausages to people who have bought them off him before."

-- Now that's marketing (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

- "You pay for it before you eat it? What happens if it's dreadful?"
- "That's why."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"One minute I'm just another rabbit and happy about it, next minute whazaam, I'm thinking. That's a major drawback if you're looking for happiness as a rabbit, let me tell you. You want grass and sex, not thoughts like 'What's it all about, when you get right down to it?'"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"I'm a cat person, myself," she said, vaguely. A low-level voice said: "Yeah? Yeah? Wash in your own spit, do you?"

-- It's a dog's life (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Why's it called Ming?" said the Archchancellor, on cue. The Bursar tapped the pot. It went ming.

-- Discworld archeology revealed (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

- "I thought swords had to be straight."
- "Perhaps they start out straight and go bendy with use. A lot of things
do."

-- Odour-eaters, right? Yeah, she means odour-eaters. (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

Azhural raised his staff. "It's fifteen hundred miles to Ankh-Morpork," he said. "We've got three hundred and sixty-three elephants, fifty carts of forage, the monsoon's about to break and we're wearing... we're wearing... sort of things, like glass, only dark... dark glass things on our eyes..."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

People who used magic without knowing what they were doing usually came to a sticky end. All over the entire room, sometimes.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"He's in love," said Gaspode. "It's very tricky." "Yeah, I know how it is," said the cat sympathetically. "People throwing old boots and things at you."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"In a word -- im-possible!" "That's two words," said Dibbler.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"I'm vice-president of Throwing Out People Mr Dibbler Doesn't like the Face of."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

- "It looks worse than you can imagine!"
- "I can imagine some pretty bad things!"
- "That's why I said worse!"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Woof?"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Could have bin worse, mister. I could have said 'miaow'."

-- Our hero meets Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Worlds only harmonica-playing dog. Tuppence."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Seems I can't get me 'ead down these days without rescuin' people or foilin' robbers or sunnink."

-- It's a wonder dog's life (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"How's he in the mysterious senses department?"

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Walk a mile on these paws and call me a liar."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Woof. In tones of low menace."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"There's nothin' wrong with bein' a son of a bitch."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"I thought it was going to be bucket-of-water time myself."

-- Gaspode's way of saying "I'm sorry, was I intruding?" (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"I can explain it in Dog, but you only listen in Human."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"I mean are we talking Thicko City here or what?"

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"I wouldn't give it to a dog, and I am one."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Does that look like ten per cent to you, Victor?"

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"... Percy the Pup here with a cold nose, bright eyes, glossy coat and the brains of a stunned herring."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog on 'Laddie' (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Maybe you should loosen her clothing or something."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"I could send you a bone with a file in it, only you'd eat it."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Well, 'scuse me. I was jus' tryin' to save the world."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"If gharstely creatures from before the Dawna Time starts wavin' at you from under your bed, jus' you don't come complainin' to me,"

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Idiot I may be, but tied up I ain't."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"And Howondaland Smith, Balrog Hunter, practic'ly eats the dark for his tea."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Messin' around with girls in thrall to Creatures from the Void never works out, take my word for it."

-- Gaspode gives Victor some practical advice (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Growl, growl."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"I can bite your leg if you like."

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"I expect I've saved the day, right?"

-- Gaspode the wonder dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Can't sing. Can't dance. Can handle a sword a little."

-- Victor's resume (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

"Did I hear things, or can that little dog speak?" said Dibbler. "He says he can't," said Victor. Dibbler hesitated. "Well," he said, "I suppose he should know."

-- Dibbler meets Gaspode the Wonder Dog (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

In retrospect, Victor was always a little unclear about those next few minutes. That's the way it goes. The moments that change your life are the ones that happen suddenly, like the one where you die.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)