THE PHYSICS OF THE DISCWORLD
You've read A Brief History of Time,
you've read The Physics of Star Trek. Now, at last, you can
discover the comic secrets behind the continued running (swimming?) of
Great A'Tuin and his/her pachydermal passengers.
The author is indebted to Didactylos of Ephebe and
'Charcoal' Abraxas the Atheist for their inspiration and input
and, in their honour, has presented the text as a conversation between
the two in the style of Xeno's Tyranny.
- Didactylos of Ephebe:
- OK, we both know that the Disc stands on the back of a huge bloody
turtle, yeah? And that it's supported by four elephants that stand
on the turtle's back. So what stops the elephants getting friction
burns, then?
- Abraxas the Atheist:
-
During my travels in Krull in my
younger years, I met a young astronomer called Reforgule who had an
interesting, if ridiculous, theory. He claimed that there was a god
who, once every Disc year, would apply oil to the shoulders of the
Disc's supporting pachyderms.
- DoE:
- You're joking, right? He really believed that a deity would -
excuse me. BARMAN! TWO AMPHORAE OF WINE OVER HERE PLEASE! AND A PACKET
OF NUTS! THANKS! Sorry about that. As I was saying, did he really think
that a god would spend his time mucking about massaging elephants
instead of hobnobbing on Dunmanifestin with the rest of them? Who'd
worship a god like that?
- AtA:
- Precisely. Reforgule claimed that he had actually spoken, via
megaphone, with this being. The god, who he stated was called Kstrol,
was apparently well respected by the other gods (Didactylos snorts with
laughter). Well, at least in so far as dunnikin divers are respected by
other members of the community. After all, this vital service persuades
the elephants to keep the Disc on their backs instead of swatting it
off with their trunks.
- DoE:
- Which could be inconvenient, I suppose.
- AtA:
- Indeed. Hey, you didn't order me anything, you selfish bugger.
TWO MORE AMPHORAE HERE, MATE! (gulping noises from Abraxas) Right.
Yeah, so the other gods, see, give this Kstrol some of their power
because they don't want to, you know, thingie...
- DoE:
- Slide off?
- AtA:
- Yeah, slide off. Could be awkward in the god business. So they give
him some of their power so's that won't happen. Or they would,
if they existed, but they don't. It's just that
Reforthingie's theory. Gods don't exist, really.
- (Sounds of thunder, lightning and general smiting)
-
- AtA:
- DON'T YOU HANGOVERS FROM A PRIMITIVE AND LESS ENLIGHTENED ERA
HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO? OK, Didactylos, you can come out from under
the table now.
- DoE:
- I wish you wouldn't do that. At least, not when I'm
carrying a copper lamp on a pole, which happens to be the highest thing
around here.
- AtA:
- I just call 'em as I see 'em. Anyway, this astronomer says
that's where we get the wossname - the expression "greasing
someone's palm". Interesting, eh?
- DoE:
- Yeah. Hey, you're dry there! Your round, I believe. That'll
be two more amphorae, and get me two more packets of nuts. You can
almost see her navel...
David Chapman is responsible for this piece. We hope that you
enjoyed it as much as we did. David has also told us of his plans to
create and display at the Convention the first Discworld
"Thaumagotchi". He told us that it would probably be
"about 2 inches high, cast in white metal and hand painted, in a
wooden cage with an octogram on the floor and a serial number
(Prototype 1 of 1) on the underside". He might even be persuaded
to produce them for other people, if demand exists.
Issues index.
Web pages designed by Derek Moody
November 1998
