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This is my compilation version of the mythical "Hedgehog Song" from Terry Pratchett's Discworld books. Many people around the world have written verses to this famous, irreverent and politically incorrect work with varying degrees of skill and humour.
They all have theoretically the same rhythm but the rhyming scheme varies somewhat, as does the rhythm in the hands of the less talented. Almost every imaginable animal makes an appearance somewhere but there is a lack of thematic development and plan that leads to eventual boredom.
I took it upon myself to collate the best of these verses, correct any imperfections, impose a systematic scheme upon them and a thematic development and to make an end before it becomes a bore. The result is 11 verses each of 16 lines in consistent format with the line "the hedgehog can never be buggered at all." used exactly 3 times in the same place each verse. The verses develop the theme in the following way:
In the course of this endeavour I perforce needed to make many adjustments to the work of others and to insert many lines of my own. Exactly who is responsible for what I am not going to go into. You can pursue that yourself if you go to the various websites that contain other versions (see the links below).
I tried to cover the main branches of the animal kingdom and also had a fair go at the various animal locations on the earth, obviously there is room for further verses covering South America and Asia but I think 11 verses of 16 lines is quite enough.
Much thanks must go to those who created verses that I have used. I did attempt to contact them some years ago when I had just finished this and those that responded were happy with the situation so long as I provide credit, and this I am more than happy to do.
So thanks first of all to Terry Pratchett whose idea it was, the main three authors that I used: Matthew Crosby, Heather Wood, and Mark Mandel, and anyone else whose work may have found its way into this compilation.
Various people have put this mythical song to music, including myself, see the section following the poem for more information and how to download it.
(Martian Compilation)
Old Noah was mucking the Ark out one day,
When he heard a great shriek from the
neighbouring stall.
Said he to poor Ham, who was hugging his
loins,
"Ah, the hedgehog, my boy, can't be buggered
at all."
"The humans are out, if you value your life:
It's incest, my son, since we're relatives
all...
Unless you'd make love to your very own
wife!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do,
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all."
"The spines on his back are too sharp for a
man,
They'll give you a pain in the worst place
they can.
The result I think you'll find will appal:
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all."
You can sodomise goats, you can bugger a
bull,
Or ream out the hole of a deer with your
tool,
The ass in its stable, the ox in its stall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
The sheep is a classic, as well you may
find,
Of the donkey, be wary when standing behind.
You can bugger the cow, (I will not tell you
how),
And the boar, the piglet, the shoat and the
sow.
If you're feeling quite coarse, you can
bugger the horse,
The pony, the mare, and the stallion of
course.
You can bugger alpacas when chained to the
wall,
But the hedgehog you never can bugger at
all.
The spines on his back are so awfully thick,
You'll end up with naught but a pincushion
prick.
He has an impregnable hole in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all!
Mounting a zebra can often be fun,
An elephant too; though it's more than a
ton.
For the bush baby's come-to-bed eyes we all
fall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
You can bugger a camel with one hump or two,
Or a blue-arsed baboon, or a monkey in lieu.
If you're that kind of fool, and you have a
long tool,
You can try a giraffe, if you stand on a
stool.
You can hump a zebu if it doesn't hump you
And a wildebeest's really got something
quite gnu.
Or perhaps try a leopard, if you have the
gall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
Oh it may be a handful and cute as a bun,
You'd think he'd be perfect for sexual fun,
But its hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us
all,
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all,
For sex in the bush you can fuck with a
wombat,
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat,
Or hump a goanna - go on, do it all.
But echidnas can never be buggered at all.
The wallaby's cute, the koala is cuter,
The possum plays dead when you're trying to
root 'er,
The dunnart's receptive if you are in need,
And the quoll is well shaped for accepting
your seed.
The platypus flirts in the mud of his pool,
And the bandicoot's passage may welcome your
tool.
With the brown potoroo yes, the pleasure may
pall,
And echidnas can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are so sharp and so
thick,
You'll end up with naught but a perforate
prick.
This risk to the penis has led to the call,
That echidnas must never be buggered at all!
You can bugger the gopher, the elk and
raccoon,
The polar bear too, by the light of the
moon.
When molesting a beaver, stand proud and
stand tall,
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
You can bandit a bison or shirt-lift a
lemming,
No need for discretion, though folk are
condemning.
The coyote is sexy when caught on all fours,
The puma is too, but beware of her claws.
You can bugger the grizzly in spite of its
hair,
In winter, when he is asleep in his lair.
(Though I would not advise it in spring or
in fall),
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
It's spines are so sharp they are bound to
dismember,
Your tool, lest a condom of steel you
remember.
So heed ye this warning, from summer to
fall,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
You may pounce on your cat as he walks on
his lone,
And make him sing out as you give him a
bone.
The rat has a hole into which you can crawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
While you top a great dane you may think you
look cool,
Though a Jack Russell might make you look
like a fool.
The collie is fine if your mind is quite
broad,
And the pug has a place you can sheath your
pink sword.
A rabbit is fun, if you don't mind the
queue,
And a hamster can teach you a hot thing or
two.
We've mentioned the horse, as I'm sure
you'll recall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
The spines on his back are too sharp for a
man,
They'll give you a pain in the worst place
they can.
The result I think you'll find will appal:
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all!
You can bugger the seal, you can bugger the
eel,
You can bugger the crab, though they say it
can't feel.
With 'gator and croc you can have quite a
ball,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
You'll find that the turtle hides deep in
his shell,
But if he relents then the feeling is swell.
The crayfish is tempting if just for a lark,
And a penguin or two, or a squid in the
dark.
You can bugger the dolphin by blowhole or
tail,
And likewise the porpoise and also the
whale.
You can bugger the shark that you've chased
in your yawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
The spines on his back are so awfully thick,
You'll end up with naught but a pincushion
prick.
He has an impregnable hole in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all!
If birds are a turn-on, you might try your
luck,
With a chicken or turkey, a goose or a duck,
Orniphilia's fine but remember withal,
That a hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
You can bugger an owl in the dead of the
night,
Or a white cockatoo if you don't mind a
fight.
Make free with the pheasant, the partridge
and quail,
Though when porking a peacock, first cut off
its tail.
You can puncture a pigeon or diddle a dove,
Give the hawk and the eagle and falcon your
love.
The charm of the magpie is sure to enthral,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
Oh it may be a handful and cute as a bun,
You'd think he'd be perfect for sexual fun,
But its hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us
all,
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all,
You can bugger the slug, though it messes
the rug,
You can bugger the different species of bug.
If insects are your thing, man then just
have a ball!,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
I've tried a stick insect, with some
satisfaction,
And a housefly (it's true), though with
little reaction,
A mosquito will bite you, a scorpion fight
you,
And a fling with a flea won't do much to
delight you,
You can try with a snail, if you slow to a
crawl,
Or fuck with a moth if your weenie is small.
With a funnel-web spider the fun'll just
stall,
And the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
The spines on his back are so sharp and so
thick,
You'll end up with naught but a perforate
prick.
This risk to the penis has led to the call,
That a hedgehog must never be buggered at
all!
Zoophilists all, from the city or plain,
If you take my advice you will save yourself
pain.
When the temptation strikes then it's best
to recall,
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
You can have your own way, with reptiles and
birds,
And the joy from young fishes is far beyond
words.
To fondle and frolic with mammals is great,
And nothing compares with the invertebrate.
All kinds of beasties with feather or fin,
Will lift up their tails and welcome you in.
>You can fuck almost everything under the
sun,
But to bugger a hedgehog just cannot be
done.
It's spines are so sharp that they're are
prone to dismember,
Your tool, lest a condom of steel you
remember.
So heed ye this warning, from summer to
fall,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Though they give you the eye and they tip
you the wink,
Bringing you to the point where you're just
on the brink,
Spurning advances will be your best call,
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all!
The hedgehog escapes the posterior rapes,
Performed upon others of different shapes.
Those who run, swim, or slither, they get it
withal,
But the hedgehog just never is buggered at
all.
At the end of the day, when you've had your
rough way,
With all of those creatures, you'll just
have to say:
"That damned Erinaceous has been my
downfall!"
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at
all.
So here's to the hedgehog, he's sharp as
they come,
You'll never get through his impregnable
bum,
With his nose up his arsehole and rolled in
a ball,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
This version created by Warren Mars, from various lines and verses by:
Terry Pratchett
Matthew Crosby
Heather Wood
Mark Mandel
Warren Mars
et al
August 2002
Various people have set this verse to music, some to existing tunes and others to original tunes. For example Heather Wood pointed out that it can be sung to "Bonnie Dundee" and Mark Mandel has written a simple tune with an extra chorus, the manuscript of which is available on the net.
In late 2005 I found myself inspired to write a tune to this poem. Because I had arranged the verses into sets of four in a regular order, the tune had to be rather longer and more complicated than others had set. On the other hand, I intended it to be sung by ordinary people so it had to be reasonably simple, diatonic, within a suitable compass and in a common key such as G.
I saw it sung a cappella by a male quartet so I arranged it as such.
When singing through the complete text shown above, it became immediately clear that it was too long. It would have taken the best part of 20 minutes! So I trimmed away the least essential 5 verses and was left with 6.
When I sang through the 6 it became clear that some interlude was needed to break up the monotony. I therefore arranged a suitable interlude for 2 guitars, double bass and banjo to go between verses 2 and 3, and 4 and 5.
In early 2006 I recorded it and made it available as an mp3.
Enjoy!
If you want the full score, email me and I will consider putting it up here.
Our thanks to Warren Mars for allowing us to reproduce his work on The L-Space Web.
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